What You Need to Know About Being a People Pleaser
People Pleasing – Is it Normal?
People pleasing is quite common for many people. People are social animals and we do not live in solitude – it’s just how we are hard-wired. We begin our lives at birth completely dependent on our caregivers for our survival and this attachment/depended-ness goes on for almost two decades or longer. With our primary caregivers, the infant needs to have the parent “pleased” so they get fed, housed, clothed, and so on. Now, of course, this is instinctual but develops as we age and turns into actual behaviors, habits, and patterns. Initially, this is learned in order to survive and most children within normal limits will do whatever they believe it takes to keep their parents pleased. We depend upon one another in our society to form relationships for companionship, partnership/marriage, friendship, food, money, housing, health care, education and so one. When people are not “pleased” by us, there can be consequences that can hurt but not have a great impact on our existence i.e., a peer in school doesn’t like you and they don’t talk to you or much greater impact, such as the boss at your job isn’t please with you for whatever reason and that can potentially lead to getting fired, unemployment, and no income which threatens our existence. We have confused “getting along” with people pleasing at any cost which all stems from fear.
What are some signs you are a people-pleaser?
You sacrifice what you want in order to avoid conflict and keep another person “happy,” you don’t say no even when you really don’t want to go along with something; you don’t set boundaries and seem to have no limits; you don’t voice your opinion about a preference or desire, you stay silent when you want to express an opinion or feeling, you take on the martyr role while feeling like the victim. Some situations you may find yourself in if you are a people pleaser: 1) You may be the employee who often stays late at work when you’re salaried and don’t get overtime but your child is at daycare that you pay for by the hour; 2) You may be the friend who is always available to listen to other people’s problems and help them out or lend a hand when you have problems of your own to address; 3) You may buy or pay for something even when you don’t have the money; 4) You overextend yourself at the holidays hosting everyone at your home, buying and preparing all the food because your family wants to celebrate and be together even though you may not want to or don’t feel like they treat you well.
Why is it important to be aware of that?
We all have limits – eventually. Stuffing feelings for a person is like putting a pressure pot on the stove, burner turned on high, and the valve not letting off enough steam to relieve the pressure building – eventually, enough pressure with enough heat over long enough periods of time will cause the lid to blow clear off. Never saying no, not expressing desire, needs or feelings, and sacrificing yourself to please others requires a person to stuff feelings down and cut off a part of themselves leading one to become quite fragmented. When this is out of our conscious awareness, repressed feelings contribute to other disorders such as depression and anxiety, and often contribute to increased risk of substance abuse and dependence, eating disorders, and other addictions or maladaptive behaviors. Stuffed down and unexpressed feelings has the same effect on our body as chronic stress. Medical studies demonstrate the direct connection to various chronic and even life-threatening conditions such as hypertension, heart disease, diabetes, autoimmune disorders, multiple sclerosis, and cancer.
What are some key habits and mindset shifts to help you overcome people-pleasing tendencies?
The first thing one must do is offer yourself kindness and understanding, you will not beat yourself into making any changes. You learned this behavior as a way to survive, most likely, and this people pleasing mindset one served you well. Mindset shifts: knowing your feelings and thoughts are important, it is okay to say no, it is okay and near impossible to please everyone all the time, you are not responsible for other people’s feelings, you cannot control people, places, and things, boundaries are not only healthy but a gift – saying no now means you will be able to say yes longer, you are allowed to take up space in the world. It is important to understand and become aware of when, where, and how the narrative or belief of needing to please others shows up in your day-to-day operating in order to have a choice to do something different.
