Ed Sheeren, singer and songwriter, said it best when he stated, "I can't tell you the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone." This is what is so fundamental to codependency. Codependency is a theory that attempts to explain a quality in relationships - a quality that is imbalanced and often unhealthy. Most often, codependency is rooted in infancy and childhood when a person is completely dependent on a caregiver for food, safety, and emotional regulation. Developing and growing up with unreliable and inconsistent caregivers means we respond by taking on the role of emotional caregiver. As adults, we navigate relationships with an unconscious agenda to get all our needs met that were not successfully met in childhood.

Using the term codependent to describe a CEO or a leader, may seem paradoxical. However, this pattern of dysfunctional leadership is rampant in businesses no matter how big or small the corporation. Codependency in business is not just codependency itself - it is a merging and weaving of our habits and patterns in our personal lives and business together. It also goes undetected and is difficult to spot. Why?

1) Codependent behaviors are masked by corporate and company values and practices. Superficially, they seem healthy. Phrases and words commonly used are teamwork, customer service, and employee engagement. It is not the values in and of themselves that contribute to the unhealthy dynamics, but rather the thinking, beliefs, and feelings underneath that drive the value.

2) Leaders tend to focus more on the tangible at the expense of the intangible. Systems strategies and metrics trump beliefs, emotions, and values. However, the intangibles are what drive the business - they drive every action, behavior, and decision. Due to this, codependent leadership falls within the realm of the intangible and goes undetected.

3) Leaders feel pressure to maintain a facade that they are "strong."  Doing this prevents awareness and curiosity. In order to maintain the illusion of strength, vulnerability, fear, insecurity, and anxiety have to be squashed.

What does this look like as a CEO? Well, it's more of a corporate babysitting program than it is leadership. The CEO as a babysitter does a lot of handholding and operates from a belief that "good team leadership" is spending their days navigating other people's jobs, coaching everyone through their stuck points, and building morale. When objectives and goals are not met, when deliverables are not on time, they will hold huddles and team meetings. They often feel enormous pressure to do projects themself out of fear that the team won't be able to make a deadline. On the surface, this might look pretty because nobody is fighting and it's effective because everyone will have a sense of accomplishment. However, this is toxic because you cannot have a few people with powerful habits making up for the rest of the team who are dragging through just trying to survive.

What are the traits of a codependent leader?

1) Low Self Esteem - their sense of worth is derived externally from others. The company value that masks low self-esteem are humility and selfless or servent leaders.

2) Intense need for power and control. This helps a codependent leader to feel secure and safe and manifests as bossy or blaming. The paradox here is that over-exertion of power stems from an internal sense of powerlessness. The corporate value that masks over-control is discipline and order.

3) People pleasing. The inability to say no is an attempt to protect oneself by being "nice." The corporate value that masks people pleasing are customer service and employee engagement.

4) Poor boundaries. Healthy boundaries are clear and begin and end with problems, goals, and outcomes. A codependent leader is enmeshed with blurry or non-existent boundaries, such as feeling responsible for an employee's happiness. Without internal boundaries, a codependent leader will have an out-of-control schedule, excessive negative thoughts and emotions, and a lack self care. The corporate value that masks healthy boundaries are a sense of "family," customer satisfaction, and trust.

5) Reactivity. A codependent leader takes things personally and becomes defensive. They are often unpredictable, impulsive, and even explosive. The corporate values that mask reactivity are agility, speed, and responsiveness.

6) Caretaking. This is simply put as caring about as opposed to caring for. The corporate value that masks caring for is a concern for employee welfare.

7) Conflict Avoidant. This is caused by low self-esteem and a belief that conflict is bad, painful, or traumatic. The corporate value that masks conflict avoidance are harmony, collaboration, and trust.

It is important to remember that nobody is a victim here. Most leader take on their roles with the greatest intentions. They have just gotten lost somewhere along the way. If you are a leader and what you have just read has resonated for you, don't despair. These traits are learned and at one point, served you and probably helped you survive and succeed. They have outlived their usefulness and some adjustments need to be made. Here are some strategies:

1) Breathe: You may not notice how shallow you breathe throughout the day. Start by taking some deep breaths before you begin your day. Set an alarm to remind you to stop and do this throughout the day. This will help calm your nervous system and reduce stress.

2) Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself, especially when things don’t go as planned. Understand that everyone has limitations and that it’s okay not to be perfect.

3) Set Realistic Goals: Aim for achievable goals rather than impossible standards. Break larger goals into smaller steps to make them more manageable.

4) Challenge Negative Self-Talk: Identify and challenge perfectionistic thoughts. Replace negative self-talk with constructive feedback. This helps reduce the negative feelings associated with falling short of perfection.

5) Embrace Mistakes: Understand that mistakes of your team are a natural part of the learning process. Instead of fearing failure, view mistakes as opportunities for growth.

6) Focus on the Process: Concentrate on the process rather than the outcome. Enjoy the journey and the learning experiences along the way.

I Am Here to Listen to You: Reach Out Today!

Taking the first step toward healing can be daunting, but it’s also incredibly rewarding. Addressing codependency, low self-esteem, and other mental health conditions through therapy can lead to a more balanced and fulfilling life and career. If you’re ready to embark on this journey, I invite you to reach out and start the process of transformation and self-discovery. Let’s work together to break the cycle of unrealistic expectations and negative self-talk, and move towards a future where you can thrive and achieve your goals. Don’t wait—take that deep breath and get in touch with me today.

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