What is Passive Aggression and How to Deal With It

What is Passive Aggression? Passive aggression is a way of expressing negative feelings, such as anger or annoyance, indirectly instead of directly. Passive-aggressive behaviors are often difficult to identify and can sabotage relationships at home and at work. Passive aggression stems from deep anger, hostility, and frustration that a person, for whatever reason, is not comfortable expressing directly. 

What are common examples of passive-aggressive behavior? 

1. They’re Sarcastic which is the perfect verbal vehicle for the passive aggressor, it allows them to say negative things to people and then if confronted, and use the excuse they were joking. 
2. They say yes when they mean no (or no when they mean yes) in order to avoid confrontation they may agree to things in order to appease the other person, fully knowing that they will not follow through on them. 
3. They exclude people by using exclusion and isolation as a weapon. 
4. They procrastinate (with spite) or fail to finish tasks on a task/project that they actually care about. 
5. They play the victim by pretending to be hurt by something seemingly inconsequential another person did, or by a situation in general. 
6. They don’t let things go and seek to get revenge for perceived disparagement that may or may not have happened. 
7. They shift responsibility unfairly when confronted in any way, and are skilled at shifting the responsibility back to the other. 
8. They make wistful comments by not asking for things directly, while also putting down the other person, at the same time. 
9. They push your buttons deliberately attempting to wind you up or trigger the other. 
10. They ignore you which is a classic move of passive-aggressive people where they literally stop talking to you. 
11. They make backhanded “compliments” which are subtle “disguised” insults intended to ultimately put down the other, without seeming being mean spirited directly. 
12. They pretend not to understand you so they can then ignore the responsibility being placed on them. 

What are some traits of passive aggressiveness? Habitual lateness, intentionally not being efficient, carelessness and losing things that are important, missing appointments because they forgot, procrastination, repeated mistakes or patterns of different mistakes, and stubbornness. 

Here are a few tips on how to deal with the passive-aggressive person you encounter:  

1) Take a breath, remain calm – reacting will not alleviate the behaviors and likely lead to more passive aggression, 2) Talk about it with the aggressor if it is safe, use phrases like, “I feel confused when…and notice the discrepancy.” 3) Talk about it with someone who is supportive as a reality check as being involved with someone who is passive aggressive can lead you to question yourself and instill doubt 4) Set firm and clear boundaries about expectations, deadlines, and what will be tolerated and then maintain these boundaries 5) Remember that most of these people exhibiting these behaviors are likely unaware of their impact and have developed characterologically as a way to survive in the world and beneath all of those snide remarks lies a deeply unhappy and sad human being. 

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